Sarcastic, pessimistic assholes.

That's what we're dealing with here. WE met some enlightened folks last night at the local climbing gym. Four kids all under 4 years of age, including a 2 month old. The mom was happy as a clam. (I won't mention her gargantuan ta-ta's).

We were like, wtf? How can you be this effing happy without sleep for like 4-5 years? We were discussing this to ourselves and thought that perhaps their Christian faith may have something to do with the positive outlook. I suggested that they may just be dumb, and recounted people that I've known, worked with or met that were a mere few brain cells, one additional synapse ahead of the brain dead, that seemed to be so happy go lucky. I also suggested that people like us, not necessarily mensa, but intelligent creatures nonetheless, get irratated and sarcasm prevails when we must interact with these folks.

Suki suggested we find Jesus, I proclaimed that we are in search of a Deity to set us on the right path.

Not to be construed that we are not thankful for what we do have, we just bitch a bit too much.

We often find ourselves realizing that our outlook is less than optimistic, but that may be a by-product of no sleep, no exercise and shitty diets.

Well, sleep is increasing, we've been hitting the gym on a semi-regular schedule and as soon as the Prof weans, we should see a marked increase in positivity.

Until then, praise allah and go fuck yourself.

Leather Helmet

Yesterday was a tough day to be in our household.



It began in the wee hours of morning, for some reason the Prof was not interested in sleeping. And in fact was hoping to play. Suki tried to get him back to sleep. Then I tried. Then Suki tried again and failing, decided to bring him in to our room. A couple of flicks to a portion of my anatomy that is rather sensitive woke me and I reacted poorly. Junior climbed in bed with us and immediately started climbing on my face. Forget that! Back to the nursery with you little man. Finally back to sleep some 2 hours later.



Up early to head to the gastro specialist, the one we had to wait several months to see. Needless to say neither mom or dad were in a particularly great mood. Not bad, but definitely exhausted.



It appears that when I am in this state of sleep dep I am awnry and clumsy...



Two years ago we met and began a climbing partnership. It seemed that I was out to injure Suki with anything...ropes, rocks...It was unintentional and we joked about it. It has been awhile and without incident we've avoided injury.

Yesterday I accidentally kneed her in the face trying to save her from being scalped by a 9 month old, I was imitating our boy's tendancy to climb on us and unfortunately almost gouged her eye out. Then while lounging on the sofa (or couch) I went to imitate a play we just watched on TV and flicked the side of her head. Suki got pissed and issued a anger filled "Jesus Christ, What the fuck?" before I had the chance to say anything. Understand that I was going to apologize, yet was taken back by the reaction, and issued one with some "you gotta be kidding me, you think that was intentional?" tone. She and I were exhausted and it was obvious that neither of us were ourselves.

I went up to apologize and she suggested that she might need a helmet or brick wall built to protect her from my path of destruction. I tried to explain that it was not intentional and accidental. She has a theory that there are no accidents. How do you argue that there are?

At any rate, we slept, we cuddled and woke up in better moods. I'll be picking up a leather helmet on my way home regardless, I get clumsy with poor sleep.

I am truly sorry. I don't wish my partner to be blind with a lumpy head. I like her just the way she is and want to protect her and my nest.

ch, ch, ch, changes....

No longer need to sell the house we are in.

Narrowed our new home choices down to two or three.

Trying to negotiate prices.

Hope to be an official homeowner in less than two months.

Bryson is vocal. No english words, but he's yapping like it's his business.

Suki is getting sleep.

We are climbing more often again.

The Monkey is climbing with us.

The climbing gym that introduced Suki and I is closing.

The Sox are fighting for a wild card slot.

D-Bags

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Cross town traffic and mixed signals.

I'm a dick, selfish, unthinking, incondsiderate and apparently it's genetic.

Why would anyone in their right mind want to settle down and breed with the likes of me?

When are we getting married? Let's go buy a house.

If I don't change then we can pretty much kiss this relationship good-bye.

I'm a good dad, a poor partner. I need to tend to my partner's needs.

(I also need to tend to my own, our kid's needs, the household needs (dog shit, dog feeding, laundry, mowing, taking the trash out...), the money making and paying of all of the bills. "Ya s'posed to ya dumb 'n'!" Nothing out of the ordinary I guess, except I cannot ask for help from my partner without a "be careful what you ask for" or that I'm being inconsiderate of her needs.

It feels as if I'm not allowed to have requests or needs. I understand that her needs at this point aside from helping out with the kid are mostly emotional and/or hormonal. Fatigue has the entire household on edge. The Monkey apologized Saturday because she thought she had something to do with our moods and a frustrating outing.

Piling bills have us stretched. And teething and crawling has us on alert.

I'm trying to do what I can and have all but eliminated any time for myself. Perhaps a few minutes here and there, but nothing substantial. We did stretches Monday for 15 minutes, so I guess there you go.

Suggestions of local trips to climb or go somewhere are met with 'fuck its' and "nahs". I don't know how to help. Pessimism and depression are difficult to change.

But I need to change. I've challenged her authority when I should have waited to discuss alone. I've reacted to what I've heard, without knowing the whole story. And I've dragged her out of the house to places she didn't want to go with people she doesn't like to spend time with.

Last night I came home and knew something was up. She procrastinated the discussion as we picked houses to look at to buy. Then came the unless something changes...I don't want to live like this...so let's go buy a house together?

Frustration is deep. Apparently I need to change and give her what she needs...but I feel like she is always looking for something wrong. What do I do right?

How do I help? What does she need? I'm not trying to FIX her, I want to help her but when I hear nothing but the bad it's hard to stay positive and see the future.

So I go home, to someone who is looking for a shift in me, and that which cannot be named, a questionable future and a mortgage.

Any suggestions on how to help?

We've been having better conversations, mostly the results of conflict. In particular, one in which she verbalized frustrations I've lived with my entire adult life concerning my mother. A classic Type 'A' personality that vowed to live life to its fullest after a bout with cancer. I wonder if she's forgotten? We both questioned whether she knows that she's being passive aggressive? Guilt trips?

So I guess that is step one. Make time for each other and talk. We haven't had any that weren't laden with half closed eyes.

I shall try to be more considerate and help in any way I can. I just need a little back and we be a'ight.