Cross town traffic and mixed signals.

I'm a dick, selfish, unthinking, incondsiderate and apparently it's genetic.

Why would anyone in their right mind want to settle down and breed with the likes of me?

When are we getting married? Let's go buy a house.

If I don't change then we can pretty much kiss this relationship good-bye.

I'm a good dad, a poor partner. I need to tend to my partner's needs.

(I also need to tend to my own, our kid's needs, the household needs (dog shit, dog feeding, laundry, mowing, taking the trash out...), the money making and paying of all of the bills. "Ya s'posed to ya dumb 'n'!" Nothing out of the ordinary I guess, except I cannot ask for help from my partner without a "be careful what you ask for" or that I'm being inconsiderate of her needs.

It feels as if I'm not allowed to have requests or needs. I understand that her needs at this point aside from helping out with the kid are mostly emotional and/or hormonal. Fatigue has the entire household on edge. The Monkey apologized Saturday because she thought she had something to do with our moods and a frustrating outing.

Piling bills have us stretched. And teething and crawling has us on alert.

I'm trying to do what I can and have all but eliminated any time for myself. Perhaps a few minutes here and there, but nothing substantial. We did stretches Monday for 15 minutes, so I guess there you go.

Suggestions of local trips to climb or go somewhere are met with 'fuck its' and "nahs". I don't know how to help. Pessimism and depression are difficult to change.

But I need to change. I've challenged her authority when I should have waited to discuss alone. I've reacted to what I've heard, without knowing the whole story. And I've dragged her out of the house to places she didn't want to go with people she doesn't like to spend time with.

Last night I came home and knew something was up. She procrastinated the discussion as we picked houses to look at to buy. Then came the unless something changes...I don't want to live like this...so let's go buy a house together?

Frustration is deep. Apparently I need to change and give her what she needs...but I feel like she is always looking for something wrong. What do I do right?

How do I help? What does she need? I'm not trying to FIX her, I want to help her but when I hear nothing but the bad it's hard to stay positive and see the future.

So I go home, to someone who is looking for a shift in me, and that which cannot be named, a questionable future and a mortgage.

Any suggestions on how to help?

We've been having better conversations, mostly the results of conflict. In particular, one in which she verbalized frustrations I've lived with my entire adult life concerning my mother. A classic Type 'A' personality that vowed to live life to its fullest after a bout with cancer. I wonder if she's forgotten? We both questioned whether she knows that she's being passive aggressive? Guilt trips?

So I guess that is step one. Make time for each other and talk. We haven't had any that weren't laden with half closed eyes.

I shall try to be more considerate and help in any way I can. I just need a little back and we be a'ight.