PPD doesn't stand for:

Prickly Pear Deer

Perfectly Polished Dent



Nope it means that what was already quite difficult is more so. Read up on it (Post Partum Depression). It's rough, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.



But at least, now that we have some awareness of the cause of much of Suki's state of mind, we can begin the process of treating and remedying the situation.



I missed my friend's wedding. I thought about them the entire weekend. Where they'd be at the moment, what they may be thinking, when they officially tied the knot, hoping the weather turned out better than predicted. Wondering when the friends I was going to go with got there, hoping they had a great time. I missed it. But I had reasons that someday I hope they understand were more important for our relationship. The mending begins.



The weekend started out with sleeping in on Friday and ended up being an otherwise unproductive day. I guess we needed one of these. Although we have a laundry list of shit that has gone by the wayside due to one little human. At some point in the afternoon we planned a family trip to the aquarium. The Professor loves fish. But shortly after charging a hundred clams to the account, Suki got a migraine. No refunds or exchanges on the tickets but I managed to get the date switched to next Friday for another ten bucks.



Saturday I wanted to climb, Suki needed to get out, whether she wanted to or not. Even if we hiked in and she didn't climb anything, at least we'd have gotten out and had a nice hike. She questioned the trip, didn't want to get more depressed or dejected at not being able to climb, losing energy...but she climbed, she led and had a nice conversation with a fellow female climber on the way out. The Professor was awesome and took a nap while we got in two more climbs each.



I think she felt better. That was Saturday. Sunday was a work day at the homestead. I woke around 8, the Prof shortly after. Took him for some running of errands while letting the Sukster continue sleeping. I got back and the kitchen was clean...not sure she got as much sleep as she could have. Regardless, it was go time in the place. I began the thourough cleaning of the second level, the Monkey worked on her room...again and Suki held court with Bryson, cleaning when she had her hands free.

The problem became apparent much later in the day...While I had spent the majority of the day 'cleaning', what Suki had in mind was a complete reorganization of the house...relocating furniture, getting rid of furniture, TV and setting up the bitch to sell her. I began the relocation upstairs, moved the spare bedroom around, moved freshly empited dressers from the Monkey's room to the sunroom (which was supposed to end up on the curb 'For Free'. Then things started to get frustrating. No the dresser was to go upstairs. The computer should be here, your dresser there. And the TV, cableless and all was destined to the curb life as well...

She despises the television, we spend too much time vegging out in front of it. Of course, without it we may do the same if none of us get any sleep. I saved it's questionable place in the house. But it was not without tension.

In the end, the house is cleaner and we have a good chance of getting it listing ready by the weekend.

We all relaxed, finally, at around 10:30 last night, sat on the floor or layed down on the floor and popped in Gran Torino...family movie night. The TV is still present, just not on 24/7, hopefully a win-win.

Day four starts today.

This sucks

Not in a good place at all. I was given a choice, I made the choice, I was made to regret that choice, I changed my decision, and now I regret that too.

There was no one pick that was going to yield good results. In the end I probably lost my best friend. I chose to be by my partner's side, but things aren't particularly good with our partnership.

She doesn't like me. Thinks I'm continuously ditching her and the kids. But in two years, I've seen the connection with all of our friends disappear. The arrival of a baby aside, I think she's not able to trust me with my friends, thinks that they are a bad influence or just plain doesn't like them. Not sure, but neither of us seem to have any outlets left. Climbing, riding, camping, skiing, travelling, knitting...all on the way side. The daily grind of both of our roles is ripping this thing to shreds.

In one recent piece of writing she mentions leaving, then talks to me about a wedding. One day she says if I go to my friend's wedding that I'll be ditching her and that she's not sure she'll be forgiving, then she tells me I should go. Then she hangs up on me when I mention it.

This is the person that I saw as the one person, the one I wanted to spend my life with, raise kids together, climb together, the only partner I've ever had that truly makes me laugh, the partner that used to push me further, harder, help me make myself better, and push herself.

She's lost that drive. I suppose months of a restricted diet and a needy dependent, and lack of sleep will do that. But from the beginning, I envisioned the future. One with certain struggles in the immediate, short term, but I thought I had a partner that also saw the hurdles we needed to leap to live 'the dream' and was willing to struggle together for the promise of easier days.

Both of us seem to think the other isn't doing enough. ME: Not helping out enough, not listening, not being nice, being self-centered....

HER: Not helping out enough, no energy, making decisions before thinking about potential consequences.

We aren't on the same page, or the same book.

Life's stresses have put us in a position of waiting for the other person to do something wrong.

If I read or hear anymore about her being 'able' to leave, I just might say go ahead, staying in a day to day relationship isn't something that is healthy.

I think I do quite a bit for the good of the family. I've taken on just about every responsibility besides getting up in the middle of the night to breastfeed and cooking. What else should I be doing? I work 45 hours a week, get home continue doing chores around the house and play and hang with the Professor, look at the clock and it's some time after 9pm. Lately the Prof won't go to sleep for Suki, so I've been sitting with him until he finally runs out of energy. I'm beat. Weekends are spent catching up on things that neither of us apparently have any time to complete.

If I ask for earning potential to be realized, I'm reminded that I'm not going to like it. Maybe so, but a year of double income can cut our debt significantly and get us closer to living how we both envision, alleviate money stress...

She suggests selling everything that isn't nailed down to reduce debt, clear the chi...We made lists of things we could get rid of. But I left something off the list. A train set that my absent, recently found father left me at age 3. The only connection to my other lineage. Something that I want to pass onto the Professor. But these are a major source of frustration. How could I place such sentimental value on a 'thing'? I don't fully expect her to understand, but it's something I'm not willing to part with, it's something I want to share with our son, a connection continued.

I'm not sure how she feels about me, us or the future, but since she still talks about getting married this year, I guess she still sees a little potential. But truly, until things get better, it's not the first thing on my list.

Her energy levels are all tapped out, mine are on the verge.

This sucks.

My best friends are both pissed off at me. It's a Catch-22 situation. Either decision I make I'm screwing someone over...I hope I made the right choice of a life together.

Yup, this sucks.

Lovey Dubey.

It took one 3-day trip to West Virginia to make a best friend.

It took a 4-day trip to New Hampshire to fall in Love.

It took 2 months after that to move in with each other.

It took another 5 months to get pregnant.

It took 9+ months to become a father.

It took 7 months to reach a breaking point.

It took 1 week to begin mending.

It took one night to get back to New Hampshire realization.

It may take a few more months to be legally recognized as husband and wife.

It will take two years to get our plan rolling full steam ahead.

It will take zero time to recognize the pride of having an awesome partner and a great family.

It will take 40 years to see the vision I had of us two years ago.

It will take a lifetime to show each other how strong our love was, is and will be.

I gotta go poo now...

Just what the Doctor ordered...

The extended weekend was off to a shaky start thanks to my assininery. But we pulled together and mended our relationship and got back on course. We found out the Vulva needs something called a Hydraulic exhaust cam gear, or at least that's what it's called in Greek. Other mechanics scratch their heads at that one. Regardless of its name, it leaks oil and needs to be replaced...to the tune of 600 clams. Probably not or possibly covered with the warranty...to be determined. We're ready to stop putting money into her, so I washed and detailed the turd on Saturday...a lengthy process, but she looks great.

We climbed at the gym Thursday night, at the Quarry on Friday and again yesterday at the Quarry. The Professor did really well, which was what we needed. Last weekend was something I'd rather soon forget. He was in great spirits all weekend, laughing and speaking his own language. Almost crawled last night too, but more of a squirm still.

The monkey and her bestest friend came climbing with us yesterday and we put up a few top rope climbs for them. They loved it and did really well. Sooo glad. It was really chill.

After the car detailing on Saturday, we had some close friends over for burgers and beer and sat outside in the underutilized yard. Tiki torches, background music. Again very chill.

It was a great weekend.

Where in the hell are we?

Nobody reads this shit right? So, who cares.

aired out, feel a little better, don't want to lose what we have. She says she doesn't either. All I can do is improve my end of things. Need to chillax without the boy for a night. Suki-Opah time. Haven't had that in ages. Climb hard, have fun, devour cheesteaks and fries. Grab an ice cream, wade in the lake, knit, monkey sex, talk, drink sake.

I'm not certain where we are, but it's definitely a lil better than where I was this morning.

Changing minds

I'm tired, physically, mentally.

Things have not been easy, to be expected when a baby enters your life. But things beyond the baby have been stressful to the breaking point. Relationships suffering, activities non-existent, lots of finger pointing, frustration and lack of interest. The daily grind is grinding everything else to a halt.

No regrets? Suki has them for sure. She doesn't like me I think. She's pissed that what she has fun doing and being has come to a standstill. She blames the kid aloud, but I think it's me that she really blames.

I asked her last night if she still wanted to get married. I don't think I got an answer.

She has abandonment issues, repeated events in her life have set that tone. She thinks I'm bailing on her, on the kids.

But what I've seen from early on from her is that she changes her mind frequently and quickly. "This is what I want, now" She gets it then, off to something else different or new. I was new once, the idea of having a baby together was new once, getting married was new...I don't think it is anymore. She regrets making her decisions, our decisions for one reason or another. She had a pretty free relationship with her ex. Going on trips without him, without the dogs and without the monkey...pretty care-free. Now she's part of a relationship that I saw as a great partnership. We would have fun together, work hard together, plan together.

Now it's you didn't do this, you left me to handle everything by myself, I don't like my life I want my old one back.

I question her true motivation to going through with a wedding, when I see her. She hot one day cold the next, hot one hour, cold the next. Whatever it is that she needs to do to make this one lasting decision final, she needs to do it.

The back and forth shit has to stop. I'm in it for the long haul, but only if she see's it too. She focuses on the immediate situation, rather than where we are headed. I can remind her why we are where we are and where I see us in 5, 10, 30 years from now, I can try to cheer her up and let her know things will return to a good balance of fun and work, I can comfort her...but I can't change her mind, and I certainly cannot be the only one in this relationship that still sees the positive aspects of the bond we have and looks forward to the future.

I don't think she likes me or the present at all and is thinking about changing her mind again.

This hot and cold cycle has left me luke warm.