Changing minds

I'm tired, physically, mentally.

Things have not been easy, to be expected when a baby enters your life. But things beyond the baby have been stressful to the breaking point. Relationships suffering, activities non-existent, lots of finger pointing, frustration and lack of interest. The daily grind is grinding everything else to a halt.

No regrets? Suki has them for sure. She doesn't like me I think. She's pissed that what she has fun doing and being has come to a standstill. She blames the kid aloud, but I think it's me that she really blames.

I asked her last night if she still wanted to get married. I don't think I got an answer.

She has abandonment issues, repeated events in her life have set that tone. She thinks I'm bailing on her, on the kids.

But what I've seen from early on from her is that she changes her mind frequently and quickly. "This is what I want, now" She gets it then, off to something else different or new. I was new once, the idea of having a baby together was new once, getting married was new...I don't think it is anymore. She regrets making her decisions, our decisions for one reason or another. She had a pretty free relationship with her ex. Going on trips without him, without the dogs and without the monkey...pretty care-free. Now she's part of a relationship that I saw as a great partnership. We would have fun together, work hard together, plan together.

Now it's you didn't do this, you left me to handle everything by myself, I don't like my life I want my old one back.

I question her true motivation to going through with a wedding, when I see her. She hot one day cold the next, hot one hour, cold the next. Whatever it is that she needs to do to make this one lasting decision final, she needs to do it.

The back and forth shit has to stop. I'm in it for the long haul, but only if she see's it too. She focuses on the immediate situation, rather than where we are headed. I can remind her why we are where we are and where I see us in 5, 10, 30 years from now, I can try to cheer her up and let her know things will return to a good balance of fun and work, I can comfort her...but I can't change her mind, and I certainly cannot be the only one in this relationship that still sees the positive aspects of the bond we have and looks forward to the future.

I don't think she likes me or the present at all and is thinking about changing her mind again.

This hot and cold cycle has left me luke warm.