Bring it on!

We have, by any measurable means, been through just about anything you could be put through in the last 17 months.

That being said, I've taken on a perspective, in fact have always had deep within my mind, that life is a test. You can pass the test, daily, hourly, monthly, 9-monthly...or you can fail and have yourself declared insane and mentally incompetent.

We shall pass this test and any others that anyone throws our way.

It's all good!

7-11

G...U...L...P.

I'm a newbie...

I have a 10 month old boy...I'm new at the whole parenthood game. I also have a newly turned 14 year old step-daughter. I've been baptized by fire for sure. Coming into the game late with her, establishing not only a relationship with her, but also authority and trying to help her gain freedoms, responsibility and life skills.

She and her mom have a great relationship. One that is under stress now that she is officially a teenager and therefore conflicts arise, teen-tudes prevail and we are unfair since her friends are allowed to do this or that.

The problems are not merely age defined though. A lot of her friends have older parents. The youngest kids of the lot. I would say they typically have more freedom than their older siblings ever did, but it goes beyond that. These parents have simply given up on being the authority. In fact, one friend told her mom that she wasn't going to clean her room unless she was allowed to have someone sleep over. Disrespectful, intolerable and certainly not plausible in our household. Neither of us would stand for that, and one of us would be asking friends and family for bail money if it ever came to that.

As for my inexperience and fresh approach to parental guidance, I still understand life skills, how they apply to ultimate independance, how they will form good grounding for time management, acceptance of responsibility and some day good parenting.

In this house, I'm the task Nazi, I'm the strict one, I hold her accountable for her actions, or when it comes to responsibilities like homework and chores, her inactions. The problem arises that her mom and I are not on the same page.

As a teen, her level of responsibility is attuned to her age. Homework and some chores (as spelled out in our recent emergency family meeting, dishes, clean your room and help out here and there).

Her after school curfew was set at this meeting to 3:45pm. She usually retires around 11pm. This allows 7 hours to complete any of these 'responsibilities'. Ample time by most standards.

Furthermore, her chores, specifically the dishes, NEED to be done by 8pm, the Professor's bedtime, less she wake him from his much desired rest and cause another plead for bail monies.

Herein lies the problem, procrastination, lack of attention from her end and lack of follow through by the parental units (us), has yielded untouched dishes as late as 10:30...this means they go unwashed for another day...which means additional dishes...which means longer time allotment necessary...which means less free time.

I'm not a kill joy. My goals for the kid are to be more efficient in completing tasks, increased focus and better grades for increased life opportunities. These are her mom's desires as well.

But last night, at 10:30 when she finished her homework, browsed myspace, watched youtube videos and texted 100 friends and she had yet to touch the kitchen or her room, she sat with us in the living room. I asked if all of her homework was done...yes. I asked if she had done the dishes, nope...mom intervened and said it will have to wait until tomorrow, it was too late. She had her out. Of course I pointed out that she could still clean her room. 10 minutes later I reiterated that she needed to work on her room. She left, huffed and puffed.

At this point her mother scolded me for pushing her out of, or chasing her away from family time. I fell like giving up. If we are to raise someone who is accountable for her decisions and actions, one who is capable of getting business done on time and efficiently so that 4-5 of those hours after school are 'free' then we need to be on the same page. We are not.

I'm not home at 3:45, I'm not home until 6 most nights. I want her to succeed not just letter grade wise but life skill wise. If every 10 minute task takes 40 minutes she'll never get anything done and never have the free time.

There was a trip planned two years ago to New Hampshire. I had a huge project deadline looming and a ton of work to complete if I was to be able to go. My sensei and new found climbing partner issued the following statement: "...the deadline does not choose you. You choose the deadline". I completed the task at hand, ahead of schedule and was able to drive with Suki to Rumney, New Hampshire for a 4th of July that changed our lives forever.

What trip could she miss? What opportunities will she never see, because she was unable to get something done?

I don't want that for her, I don't want that for the Professor. I don't want to be a kill joy, I want these kids to become self-sufficient and successful. Able to handle increased pressure and stress, more responsibility. It starts now, the foundation. Do your homework, help out around the house, do it well and efficiently so that the free time left over is worth that much more.

I worked my ass off to drive 9 hours and fall in love with the mother of my only son. I'm proud that I had the drive and focus to make it happen.

She's smart, capable and fun loving, but she's also a teenager, she needs guidance.

Journey

Not the band.

As spelled out on a Suki's blog, we recently ventured to the great White Mountain state for a much needed vacation, rejuvenation and reconnection. Only to be slightly marred by illness, and unfortunate death, and some selfishness.

Regardless of these 'ailments' the trip got us back on track. We took in the fresh clean air, saw the starry night, climbed on fantastic rock and exposed our little professor to all of it. I am sure he is better for it. Even if it meant being strapped into a hot car seat for 18 hours.

I won't call anyone out for their lack of active participation in the trip, but will insist that mandatory travel cost donations be made by all, up front in the future. It's old hat for me.

You wanna carpool on a big trip? Fine all occupants put a twenty spot in the ashtray for gas, and tolls. When this is depleted, everyone chips in the same amount. Leftovers are split evenly at the end of the trip. Fair is fair.

We have also gone on many local jaunts, searching for our new home. We actually found it 4 weeks ago, but with terminally ill sellers and a lackluster, greedy listing agent in the way, we are still no closer to moving. We've driven our agent to the brink, dragging him all over a three school district area and we certainly owe him our gratitude and a few rounds of tasty brews when this comes to a close...even if he is a Yankee fan.

Our latest find in housing market is huge, literally and figuratively (as in $ figure). It has tons of potential, just needs a thorough scrubbing, and painting. Hopefully the current owner take the bottle of baby oil and box of tissues with him. Okay, maybe it needs a hazmat team as well. Suki has lots of ideas for the interior and I see a blank slate outside. Tonight we make an offer and see. The other greedy fucker can cry his lame ass to sleep and explain to the sellers that because of his lack of attention and slight of hand tactics, he no longer has a buyer for their house. I do hope that they recover.

Finally, once we find out, we will need to make the trip to a local HD or Lowes to buy a barrel of paint and coveralls, cause this place is huge!

Empty.

Empty feelings, empty core.

Emptied out, outside in.

Numb yet sad. Mad but hopeful.

Frustration grips tight, tighter still.

Mistakes made, not forgiven.

Moving forward to fall back.

Neither wishing ill will. No one knows.

Inner peace gone, searching within.

Heart skips not like before. Doors open and close.

Where, when will it be right? To think of life without?

No.

We must fill each other.

With Love.

With Understanding, acceptance, truth, transparency.

With teamwork, with each other,

We shall be full again. Turning heads of passers by.

They knew, we didn't.

They don't, we do, I do, do you?

Time to empty the emptiness once and for all.

I do.

Sarcastic, pessimistic assholes.

That's what we're dealing with here. WE met some enlightened folks last night at the local climbing gym. Four kids all under 4 years of age, including a 2 month old. The mom was happy as a clam. (I won't mention her gargantuan ta-ta's).

We were like, wtf? How can you be this effing happy without sleep for like 4-5 years? We were discussing this to ourselves and thought that perhaps their Christian faith may have something to do with the positive outlook. I suggested that they may just be dumb, and recounted people that I've known, worked with or met that were a mere few brain cells, one additional synapse ahead of the brain dead, that seemed to be so happy go lucky. I also suggested that people like us, not necessarily mensa, but intelligent creatures nonetheless, get irratated and sarcasm prevails when we must interact with these folks.

Suki suggested we find Jesus, I proclaimed that we are in search of a Deity to set us on the right path.

Not to be construed that we are not thankful for what we do have, we just bitch a bit too much.

We often find ourselves realizing that our outlook is less than optimistic, but that may be a by-product of no sleep, no exercise and shitty diets.

Well, sleep is increasing, we've been hitting the gym on a semi-regular schedule and as soon as the Prof weans, we should see a marked increase in positivity.

Until then, praise allah and go fuck yourself.

Leather Helmet

Yesterday was a tough day to be in our household.



It began in the wee hours of morning, for some reason the Prof was not interested in sleeping. And in fact was hoping to play. Suki tried to get him back to sleep. Then I tried. Then Suki tried again and failing, decided to bring him in to our room. A couple of flicks to a portion of my anatomy that is rather sensitive woke me and I reacted poorly. Junior climbed in bed with us and immediately started climbing on my face. Forget that! Back to the nursery with you little man. Finally back to sleep some 2 hours later.



Up early to head to the gastro specialist, the one we had to wait several months to see. Needless to say neither mom or dad were in a particularly great mood. Not bad, but definitely exhausted.



It appears that when I am in this state of sleep dep I am awnry and clumsy...



Two years ago we met and began a climbing partnership. It seemed that I was out to injure Suki with anything...ropes, rocks...It was unintentional and we joked about it. It has been awhile and without incident we've avoided injury.

Yesterday I accidentally kneed her in the face trying to save her from being scalped by a 9 month old, I was imitating our boy's tendancy to climb on us and unfortunately almost gouged her eye out. Then while lounging on the sofa (or couch) I went to imitate a play we just watched on TV and flicked the side of her head. Suki got pissed and issued a anger filled "Jesus Christ, What the fuck?" before I had the chance to say anything. Understand that I was going to apologize, yet was taken back by the reaction, and issued one with some "you gotta be kidding me, you think that was intentional?" tone. She and I were exhausted and it was obvious that neither of us were ourselves.

I went up to apologize and she suggested that she might need a helmet or brick wall built to protect her from my path of destruction. I tried to explain that it was not intentional and accidental. She has a theory that there are no accidents. How do you argue that there are?

At any rate, we slept, we cuddled and woke up in better moods. I'll be picking up a leather helmet on my way home regardless, I get clumsy with poor sleep.

I am truly sorry. I don't wish my partner to be blind with a lumpy head. I like her just the way she is and want to protect her and my nest.

ch, ch, ch, changes....

No longer need to sell the house we are in.

Narrowed our new home choices down to two or three.

Trying to negotiate prices.

Hope to be an official homeowner in less than two months.

Bryson is vocal. No english words, but he's yapping like it's his business.

Suki is getting sleep.

We are climbing more often again.

The Monkey is climbing with us.

The climbing gym that introduced Suki and I is closing.

The Sox are fighting for a wild card slot.

D-Bags

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Cross town traffic and mixed signals.

I'm a dick, selfish, unthinking, incondsiderate and apparently it's genetic.

Why would anyone in their right mind want to settle down and breed with the likes of me?

When are we getting married? Let's go buy a house.

If I don't change then we can pretty much kiss this relationship good-bye.

I'm a good dad, a poor partner. I need to tend to my partner's needs.

(I also need to tend to my own, our kid's needs, the household needs (dog shit, dog feeding, laundry, mowing, taking the trash out...), the money making and paying of all of the bills. "Ya s'posed to ya dumb 'n'!" Nothing out of the ordinary I guess, except I cannot ask for help from my partner without a "be careful what you ask for" or that I'm being inconsiderate of her needs.

It feels as if I'm not allowed to have requests or needs. I understand that her needs at this point aside from helping out with the kid are mostly emotional and/or hormonal. Fatigue has the entire household on edge. The Monkey apologized Saturday because she thought she had something to do with our moods and a frustrating outing.

Piling bills have us stretched. And teething and crawling has us on alert.

I'm trying to do what I can and have all but eliminated any time for myself. Perhaps a few minutes here and there, but nothing substantial. We did stretches Monday for 15 minutes, so I guess there you go.

Suggestions of local trips to climb or go somewhere are met with 'fuck its' and "nahs". I don't know how to help. Pessimism and depression are difficult to change.

But I need to change. I've challenged her authority when I should have waited to discuss alone. I've reacted to what I've heard, without knowing the whole story. And I've dragged her out of the house to places she didn't want to go with people she doesn't like to spend time with.

Last night I came home and knew something was up. She procrastinated the discussion as we picked houses to look at to buy. Then came the unless something changes...I don't want to live like this...so let's go buy a house together?

Frustration is deep. Apparently I need to change and give her what she needs...but I feel like she is always looking for something wrong. What do I do right?

How do I help? What does she need? I'm not trying to FIX her, I want to help her but when I hear nothing but the bad it's hard to stay positive and see the future.

So I go home, to someone who is looking for a shift in me, and that which cannot be named, a questionable future and a mortgage.

Any suggestions on how to help?

We've been having better conversations, mostly the results of conflict. In particular, one in which she verbalized frustrations I've lived with my entire adult life concerning my mother. A classic Type 'A' personality that vowed to live life to its fullest after a bout with cancer. I wonder if she's forgotten? We both questioned whether she knows that she's being passive aggressive? Guilt trips?

So I guess that is step one. Make time for each other and talk. We haven't had any that weren't laden with half closed eyes.

I shall try to be more considerate and help in any way I can. I just need a little back and we be a'ight.

PPD doesn't stand for:

Prickly Pear Deer

Perfectly Polished Dent



Nope it means that what was already quite difficult is more so. Read up on it (Post Partum Depression). It's rough, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.



But at least, now that we have some awareness of the cause of much of Suki's state of mind, we can begin the process of treating and remedying the situation.



I missed my friend's wedding. I thought about them the entire weekend. Where they'd be at the moment, what they may be thinking, when they officially tied the knot, hoping the weather turned out better than predicted. Wondering when the friends I was going to go with got there, hoping they had a great time. I missed it. But I had reasons that someday I hope they understand were more important for our relationship. The mending begins.



The weekend started out with sleeping in on Friday and ended up being an otherwise unproductive day. I guess we needed one of these. Although we have a laundry list of shit that has gone by the wayside due to one little human. At some point in the afternoon we planned a family trip to the aquarium. The Professor loves fish. But shortly after charging a hundred clams to the account, Suki got a migraine. No refunds or exchanges on the tickets but I managed to get the date switched to next Friday for another ten bucks.



Saturday I wanted to climb, Suki needed to get out, whether she wanted to or not. Even if we hiked in and she didn't climb anything, at least we'd have gotten out and had a nice hike. She questioned the trip, didn't want to get more depressed or dejected at not being able to climb, losing energy...but she climbed, she led and had a nice conversation with a fellow female climber on the way out. The Professor was awesome and took a nap while we got in two more climbs each.



I think she felt better. That was Saturday. Sunday was a work day at the homestead. I woke around 8, the Prof shortly after. Took him for some running of errands while letting the Sukster continue sleeping. I got back and the kitchen was clean...not sure she got as much sleep as she could have. Regardless, it was go time in the place. I began the thourough cleaning of the second level, the Monkey worked on her room...again and Suki held court with Bryson, cleaning when she had her hands free.

The problem became apparent much later in the day...While I had spent the majority of the day 'cleaning', what Suki had in mind was a complete reorganization of the house...relocating furniture, getting rid of furniture, TV and setting up the bitch to sell her. I began the relocation upstairs, moved the spare bedroom around, moved freshly empited dressers from the Monkey's room to the sunroom (which was supposed to end up on the curb 'For Free'. Then things started to get frustrating. No the dresser was to go upstairs. The computer should be here, your dresser there. And the TV, cableless and all was destined to the curb life as well...

She despises the television, we spend too much time vegging out in front of it. Of course, without it we may do the same if none of us get any sleep. I saved it's questionable place in the house. But it was not without tension.

In the end, the house is cleaner and we have a good chance of getting it listing ready by the weekend.

We all relaxed, finally, at around 10:30 last night, sat on the floor or layed down on the floor and popped in Gran Torino...family movie night. The TV is still present, just not on 24/7, hopefully a win-win.

Day four starts today.

This sucks

Not in a good place at all. I was given a choice, I made the choice, I was made to regret that choice, I changed my decision, and now I regret that too.

There was no one pick that was going to yield good results. In the end I probably lost my best friend. I chose to be by my partner's side, but things aren't particularly good with our partnership.

She doesn't like me. Thinks I'm continuously ditching her and the kids. But in two years, I've seen the connection with all of our friends disappear. The arrival of a baby aside, I think she's not able to trust me with my friends, thinks that they are a bad influence or just plain doesn't like them. Not sure, but neither of us seem to have any outlets left. Climbing, riding, camping, skiing, travelling, knitting...all on the way side. The daily grind of both of our roles is ripping this thing to shreds.

In one recent piece of writing she mentions leaving, then talks to me about a wedding. One day she says if I go to my friend's wedding that I'll be ditching her and that she's not sure she'll be forgiving, then she tells me I should go. Then she hangs up on me when I mention it.

This is the person that I saw as the one person, the one I wanted to spend my life with, raise kids together, climb together, the only partner I've ever had that truly makes me laugh, the partner that used to push me further, harder, help me make myself better, and push herself.

She's lost that drive. I suppose months of a restricted diet and a needy dependent, and lack of sleep will do that. But from the beginning, I envisioned the future. One with certain struggles in the immediate, short term, but I thought I had a partner that also saw the hurdles we needed to leap to live 'the dream' and was willing to struggle together for the promise of easier days.

Both of us seem to think the other isn't doing enough. ME: Not helping out enough, not listening, not being nice, being self-centered....

HER: Not helping out enough, no energy, making decisions before thinking about potential consequences.

We aren't on the same page, or the same book.

Life's stresses have put us in a position of waiting for the other person to do something wrong.

If I read or hear anymore about her being 'able' to leave, I just might say go ahead, staying in a day to day relationship isn't something that is healthy.

I think I do quite a bit for the good of the family. I've taken on just about every responsibility besides getting up in the middle of the night to breastfeed and cooking. What else should I be doing? I work 45 hours a week, get home continue doing chores around the house and play and hang with the Professor, look at the clock and it's some time after 9pm. Lately the Prof won't go to sleep for Suki, so I've been sitting with him until he finally runs out of energy. I'm beat. Weekends are spent catching up on things that neither of us apparently have any time to complete.

If I ask for earning potential to be realized, I'm reminded that I'm not going to like it. Maybe so, but a year of double income can cut our debt significantly and get us closer to living how we both envision, alleviate money stress...

She suggests selling everything that isn't nailed down to reduce debt, clear the chi...We made lists of things we could get rid of. But I left something off the list. A train set that my absent, recently found father left me at age 3. The only connection to my other lineage. Something that I want to pass onto the Professor. But these are a major source of frustration. How could I place such sentimental value on a 'thing'? I don't fully expect her to understand, but it's something I'm not willing to part with, it's something I want to share with our son, a connection continued.

I'm not sure how she feels about me, us or the future, but since she still talks about getting married this year, I guess she still sees a little potential. But truly, until things get better, it's not the first thing on my list.

Her energy levels are all tapped out, mine are on the verge.

This sucks.

My best friends are both pissed off at me. It's a Catch-22 situation. Either decision I make I'm screwing someone over...I hope I made the right choice of a life together.

Yup, this sucks.

Lovey Dubey.

It took one 3-day trip to West Virginia to make a best friend.

It took a 4-day trip to New Hampshire to fall in Love.

It took 2 months after that to move in with each other.

It took another 5 months to get pregnant.

It took 9+ months to become a father.

It took 7 months to reach a breaking point.

It took 1 week to begin mending.

It took one night to get back to New Hampshire realization.

It may take a few more months to be legally recognized as husband and wife.

It will take two years to get our plan rolling full steam ahead.

It will take zero time to recognize the pride of having an awesome partner and a great family.

It will take 40 years to see the vision I had of us two years ago.

It will take a lifetime to show each other how strong our love was, is and will be.

I gotta go poo now...

Just what the Doctor ordered...

The extended weekend was off to a shaky start thanks to my assininery. But we pulled together and mended our relationship and got back on course. We found out the Vulva needs something called a Hydraulic exhaust cam gear, or at least that's what it's called in Greek. Other mechanics scratch their heads at that one. Regardless of its name, it leaks oil and needs to be replaced...to the tune of 600 clams. Probably not or possibly covered with the warranty...to be determined. We're ready to stop putting money into her, so I washed and detailed the turd on Saturday...a lengthy process, but she looks great.

We climbed at the gym Thursday night, at the Quarry on Friday and again yesterday at the Quarry. The Professor did really well, which was what we needed. Last weekend was something I'd rather soon forget. He was in great spirits all weekend, laughing and speaking his own language. Almost crawled last night too, but more of a squirm still.

The monkey and her bestest friend came climbing with us yesterday and we put up a few top rope climbs for them. They loved it and did really well. Sooo glad. It was really chill.

After the car detailing on Saturday, we had some close friends over for burgers and beer and sat outside in the underutilized yard. Tiki torches, background music. Again very chill.

It was a great weekend.

Where in the hell are we?

Nobody reads this shit right? So, who cares.

aired out, feel a little better, don't want to lose what we have. She says she doesn't either. All I can do is improve my end of things. Need to chillax without the boy for a night. Suki-Opah time. Haven't had that in ages. Climb hard, have fun, devour cheesteaks and fries. Grab an ice cream, wade in the lake, knit, monkey sex, talk, drink sake.

I'm not certain where we are, but it's definitely a lil better than where I was this morning.

Changing minds

I'm tired, physically, mentally.

Things have not been easy, to be expected when a baby enters your life. But things beyond the baby have been stressful to the breaking point. Relationships suffering, activities non-existent, lots of finger pointing, frustration and lack of interest. The daily grind is grinding everything else to a halt.

No regrets? Suki has them for sure. She doesn't like me I think. She's pissed that what she has fun doing and being has come to a standstill. She blames the kid aloud, but I think it's me that she really blames.

I asked her last night if she still wanted to get married. I don't think I got an answer.

She has abandonment issues, repeated events in her life have set that tone. She thinks I'm bailing on her, on the kids.

But what I've seen from early on from her is that she changes her mind frequently and quickly. "This is what I want, now" She gets it then, off to something else different or new. I was new once, the idea of having a baby together was new once, getting married was new...I don't think it is anymore. She regrets making her decisions, our decisions for one reason or another. She had a pretty free relationship with her ex. Going on trips without him, without the dogs and without the monkey...pretty care-free. Now she's part of a relationship that I saw as a great partnership. We would have fun together, work hard together, plan together.

Now it's you didn't do this, you left me to handle everything by myself, I don't like my life I want my old one back.

I question her true motivation to going through with a wedding, when I see her. She hot one day cold the next, hot one hour, cold the next. Whatever it is that she needs to do to make this one lasting decision final, she needs to do it.

The back and forth shit has to stop. I'm in it for the long haul, but only if she see's it too. She focuses on the immediate situation, rather than where we are headed. I can remind her why we are where we are and where I see us in 5, 10, 30 years from now, I can try to cheer her up and let her know things will return to a good balance of fun and work, I can comfort her...but I can't change her mind, and I certainly cannot be the only one in this relationship that still sees the positive aspects of the bond we have and looks forward to the future.

I don't think she likes me or the present at all and is thinking about changing her mind again.

This hot and cold cycle has left me luke warm.

The New

Jezuz. This weekend was a cluster fuck. Left Friday halfway between when I wanted to hit the road and when Suki wanted to. Although primarily due to weather. We had to wait out the monsoon to get everyone in the car for a good 20-30 minutes.

6-7 hours of driving and 6-7 hours of the Professor napping, plus immunization shots the day before yielded a screaming infant at some ungodly hour in the middle of the West Virginian night amongst 6 other campers. It's bad enough that he wasn't sleeping and woke us up (already sleep deprived) but the worst aspect for me was that we were now responsible for the lack of sleep of everyone in earshot (pretty sure the entire state).

Add in a friend's allergic reaction to something which caused her eyeball to swell. Pretty gross and scary for sure, throw in an unanticipated 2-3 mile trail run to recover left behind camera and car keys and top it off with what appeared to be a relationship ending arguement and the weekend was sure to be a bust.

But we returned, together, took our time getting home, drank a spectacular sixty cent coffee that got me through the last 4 hours in no time, celebrated a good friend's birthday, drank a Long Trail and got to climb.

Lessons learned: No 6-7 hour drives for a while, underpriced small "large" coffees are underrated, Volvo's suck, always double check that you have everything packed, don't "ditch", have fun.

I'm tired and still a little worried.

Regardless of what actually went down, it was a good weekend overall. We got the entire family out into the woods, climbed and got home safely.

What's a cracker hafa do?

We're not in the same place.

We may not even be in the same state.

We are moving forward but one of us has doubts. Now both of us do.

We are both tired, and think the other should shoulder more responsibility.

We need a break.

We need sleep.

We need money.

We need an air conditioner.

Do we need each other?

I'm tired of wondering if she'll decide to move on, all while planning a life together.

A weekend in a tent was to be therapuetic. I hope I don't just end up staring at the night sky, worrying.

I try to keep the worrying to myself, so as to not worry others. But that is obviously not the approach I need to be taking.

I'm tired of making decisions as if shooting from the hip. Of course analysis of each decision does not need to be the lengthy process I tend to make it. But one thing typically leads to another, and a quick decision can turn around and bite us in the ass.

So we need to think, long and hard, as to what it is we want and who we want that to be with.

I'm in, have been since day one, had drunken thoughts just one time, two years ago (almost) and I know I'll never live it down. But honestly that's all.

I question what it is that you are missing. What you never had. What you are looking for. Don't settle. I'm not.

I'm in...are you?

Things to do this year...

Buy a house
Pay off debt
Take and Pass LARE
Meet Dad-Done
Meet Brother-Done
Get Hitched
Celebrate first Father's day
Start climbing again
Celebrate Bry-guy's first birthday

Ahh, that's better

We climbed hard and well last night. Inside, but that's the price we pay for having an infant in tow.

Creative juices back home. Painting playroom furniture. Sox won.

Pretty good day, tired, but good.

Showered.

Awkward doesn't even begin to describe the 'shower' our neighbors threw for another expecting neighbor of ours. She was quoted as saying 'they went ALL out' on making this shower happen.

Our expectant neighbors aren't from the area, heck they aren't even from this country. Both are Ukrainian and have no family here, and their friends are all in Philly. We definitely wanted to do something for them, even thought about getting them a car seat. Sorry, no stimulus package yet for the Pah and fam, so no car seat.

The planners, called the Ukrainian delegate to invite friends. We were politely asked to make a pasta dish. We arrived to a very structured and benign 'party' atmosphere. All along the way we were told that they did a very good job of everything, decorations (*this consisted of a streamer and a paper sign), home made meatballs and special rolls from a local bakery, Stella in bottles.

Turns out none of their friends could make it. Could we leave soon enough? I had a few minutes of relief when the Professor may have had a stinky diaper. Suki managed a good 10-15 pause for feeding time.

We have our suspicions about these neighbors, but awkward and mysterious ways prevent any closure or ruling.

The Ukrainian connection I assume were equally as uncomfortable. Oh well. One down.

Sunday we had another strange shower. This time though the planning was perfect. Two families, one chain smoking and the other not. I had to intervene and snatch the professor to take him away from all the second hand smoke.

Nice family though. Just wish each was accepting of the other.

Sit and Spin on THIS

An exhausted and bored Suki read her last few months of posts, read these posts and determined that we are good at teh suck. Her's are a conglomeration of whining and crying, bitching and moaning whilst mine are apologetic and pathetic.

So, from the bizarro O-K-M household:

Looks like the weather will clear up, just in time for a much needed weekend. It's a packed weekend, with two baby showers and a house to clean, but we'll also get to go outside, we'll be climbing and yoon-your seems to be handling foods better and sleeps a good 10 hours a night.

The plan is to split some of the chores that have been neglected as we've wallowed in our self pity, been confrontational and just plain 'annoying'.

The house will be overhauled, the sunroom completed and bellies full. But more importantly we shall reconnect with each other, our interests and the outdoors.

The 'Blahs' are being evicted.

Out

Get out of the house? Sure to work 9 hours a day.
Out of the house? Go to Home Depot or Lowe's to get the PRof to sleep and spend dough on house repair tools and materials.
Get out of the house? Wal-Mart for Diapers and Giant for Turkey burgers.
Out of the house? Pick up dog shit and mow the lawn.
Get out of the house to pace up and down the street at 11pm to quiet down a 7 month old.
Out of the house to go pick up something else from a Craigslist transaction.

Who doesn't want to get out of the house!?

I'd prefer to get out of the house to climb, bike, hike, eat dinner, go to a movie, hang out in a driveway and catch up with good friends whilst throwing back a 6-pack of Iron City, to spend quality time with the family.

Hell at this point going outside and staring at the bark of a tree seems dreamy.

Posted from the house.

DB

Not double shredded.

But, Douche Baggery.

In my continuous lack of thorough thinking, I selected the wrong half day Friday schedule at work. (Summer hours). WE had two options, I missed the apparent deadline to make a selection, then was given an opportunity to pick one. I quickly scanned the calendar and realized that I would have had to already be working OT this week to select group A. I already have vacation scheduled for one of the Group B Fridays. Group A would mean an extra half day for the July 4 holiday weekend. I decided TOO quickly.

I selected Group B. Suki's Birthday falls on a Group A Friday. I could have had a longer July 4th weekend and I apparently think more highly of my friends, than I do of my best friend and partner for life.

I was made aware of my Db-ery in a succinct phone call this morning. Does this mean that I cannot take days off as vacation? No.

If I had selected Group A, what would the phone call have been like?

Either way, I made a horrible decision much too quickly. One that I hope someone can realize was unintentional.

Today was going well, until that point.

In other news, my dearest mother is laying one of her fantastic guilt trips on me. We did not visit her on Mother's day, and apparently this means that the next time she sees her grandkid he'll be graduating High School. She has plans for the next two weekends, which puts any potential get together into JUNE!!! Sorry our schedules don't coexist all the time.

And speaking of DB's, Suki has conversed with my absent father. He would like to meet in June, his other son, whom he actually knows is visiting him in RI for his birthday. Too soon to make those plans, although I would like to know my other half to some degree. Why should he get a birthday gift? The last contact I had from him was 23.5 years ago. I received a birthday gift. Other than that he was someone who couldn't support his offspring. Skipped out on Alimony and child support. Regardless of the conditions of my parent's relationship demise, he bailed on me.

Things that may have seemed difficult are now even more so. Strained. Estranged. Awkward. Emotional. I suppose I should be ready to meet him. I suppose it should have happened much earlier in my adult life.

But, there is a voice in my head that says, he's not allowed to be a grandfather to my son, until he is a father to me.

Perhaps DB-ery runs in the family.

I suppose sometime soon I should know.

Posted from the doghouse.

Double Shredded

So, what should have been a long 4 day weekend of nostalgic proportions, turned into a work fest.



The Sukster and Bryson and I were slated to join the rock crazed mob in West Virginia for some fun, camping and showing off of junior. This plan fell through not once, but twice. First on account of a vision by the mystic misses that said 'don't go'. This was subsequently discarded as a clouded vision due to encountering D-bags at the local crag. Great! We're back on. Then we saw the weather forecast...rain. Typical for the area this time of year. I've gone to the Rendezvous 5 years in a row, and no matter what the chance of precip, it always rains a little. We thought about it, 3 days of camping and climbing is fine. Three days of this with a 6 month old and rain = too much at once. We bagged the trip.



So now we had to figure out what we were going to do on my vacation, the first in 6.5 months.



It started out poorly. Steady rain, short tempers, hormones and lack of motivation prevailed and I considered going to work on Friday.



Yeah, I know, what the hell was I thinking? Please remember that we are all sleep deprived.



Good news came in the form of a clear day and clear minds. Friday would be a work day, at home. I took the Prof. to Home Depot for some man time ( he loves the lighting section), then to Sherwin Williams for paint supplies.



I was going to finally finish the exterior door project that was started a few months ago. Got the second coat on, smoothed out the paint strokes and re-caulked the glass. Then we shifted efforts to the yard. And an effort it became.

We planned on finishing the weeding of the planting beds and thought about mulching the areas already cleaned. We weeded the entire yard, I re-edged and hauled excess to the side of the house, where an impromtu compost pile has taken shape. That's when Suki started calling for mulch deliveries. I estimated 3 yards would do the job. 5 calls later Suki informed me it would be here in 2 hours.

It showed up in the form of a quarry sized dump truck. 20 minutes of manuevering our back alleys and he plopped it on a tarp I had laid out. We now had a goal: deplete the pile and be done.

I hauled ass while the Mokey and Suki finished cleaning up the weed debris. The rear was finished, onward to the front yard. I again edged and hauled the waste to the side of the house. (need to remember to turn the pile). We got about 3 or 4 wheel barrows dumped and spread before night fall. It was not to be completed in one day.

I woke much too early on Saturday, but headed straight outside to finish. two hours later the yard was done, the mulch pile was gone and my 3 yard estimate was dead on.

We spent the next few hours weeding the poorly installed brick patio. It's done and I am double shredded. Totally out of shape.

Now to paint the other exterior doors (3 of 'em). Scrape and repaint all 4 screen doors, sand and prime wrought iron railings then repaint, and clean the house. I estimate it will be done in time to get back in the yard to re-weed.

Going Crazy?

Has anyone ever really 'snapped' and gone crazy? I don't think so. Going crazy is a drawn out and somewhat silent process. It works into your neurological system very slowly. Things may seem weird at first. You may say things like, I need sleep, or boy I need a vacation, I could use a beer. Maybe you start speaking like Bill Cosby, "Snazzle Frap-a dap, you see?" But these should be warning signals to your self that something is amiss and ammassing deep within your soul. Problem is, you're already going nuts so the signals are misinterpreted.

Lack of sleep, lack of money, constant work, and the smell of diapers have me and the family on edge.

We are watching a program on Discovery Channel "Out of the Wild", about 9 (now 5) ordinary Americans that must travel through Alaska, hunting for their own food and surviving the conditions of an Alaskan Winter. In this scenario sure survival is a 24 hour task. In 'civilized' camoflouge survival is less obvious. Things we 'need' for survival are deemed a pain in the ass and a chore. The simple truth is that I wish survival was more in tune with actual survival and less with monetary advantage.

I'd much rather spend a day building shelter for a family than go through 401K fund selections. I'd much rather track my dinner with a weapon than pick up dog shit in the yard. It's these types of thoughts that frustrate me.

Snazzle Frap-a-dap!

Holy old draft post!

Thursday, March 26, 2009
4:19pm: Left work to go home, change, poo



4:57pm: Hop back in the car and drive out to get my x-mas gift (1 hour massage) This is going to be great, my back has been killing me.



5:06pm: arrive 24 minutes early, call old friend and catch up. Ask why he hasn't made an effort to see my offspring.



5:18pm: Decide to walk in early.



5:19pm: Walk in and the masseuse is waiting.



5:19.30: Massage Therapist tells me she'll only have time for a 30 minute massage, she has another appointment at 6:15. Okay I guess.



5:30-6:oopm: Relaxation at about 80%, can't stop being pissed off that it's going to be cut short.



6:00pm: It's over, My back still hurts.



6:15pm: Get home and talk to the Prof., tell the Monkey to go do homework...at least 5 times, tell her to bring her cell phone up...10 times.



6:30ish?: Suki needs food and nipple guards, Professor needs vitamins and diapers. Rather than have to get everyone ready and loaded...We decide that I'll go run the errands.



List in hand I hit the usual suspects, Babies R Us, Giant and Walmart. Spend around $140 bucks, and include a little $4 pack of baseball cards.



9:00pm ish:Get home and unpack, eat leftover pizza, try to relax and get the "He's eating, no tv now" (for the record, the stinker is a PITA when it comes to feeding time-fusses, easily distracted and treats Suki's boobs like a Pirhana attacking a piece of flesh).



I dunno know what time it is, Tell Suki about the BS massage therapist and ask her to deal with it since she made the transaction. (It was a trade of goods, we gave her over $100 in baby clothing and I got a $25 massage).



10pm last night: ready for bed. realized the grocery getter needs to be dropped off for (overdue) inspection. awesome.



10:10: Monkey asleep on the sofa, she's not gonna be any help watching the Prof.



10:30: back from dropping off the car. eat one last slice of Pizza



10:32: Stupid nipple guards are worthless. Suki is in pain.





10:50: sit on couch to relax before bed. eat bowl of rice cereal with rice milk. I hate rice.



11:00ish: Totally ready for bed. we go up. I'm asleep before Suki finishes peeing.



6:16am: Alarms start.



6:58: Suki comes in pissed off. The Prof. is being snarky.



7:00am: Hit the shower, try to wake up.



7:15am: have to remind Monkey for the 5th time not to use the front door..."I forgot".





7:20: return from shower, Suki still awake, get clothes out, iron them and get dressed.



7:55am: Head out to go to work.





9:20: Get text. car needs tires. $550. ready tomorrow.



9:21: Call Suki, she says it just had tires put on. I asked her to check, cause if it did, then we can save $200. She says I'm trying to sleep. That's would be a $200 nap. To put this in perspective...I would need to work roughly 10 hours to take home $200. Ask her to check again. Get hung up on.



9:30: Get angry text. Now I'm pissed off too.



9:35: Call mechanic to find out more. He has to order the tires, Pirelli's. The last thing he had to order took him a week to get....

What was that?

I don't listen.

It may have something to do with the "Y" chromosome, it may be due to excessive concert attendance (can you still hear the same after a Skid Row and Guns n Roses show from 1991?).

Maybe it was the 6 summers I spent landscaping, running tillers, weed whackers and other large motorized equipment. Maybe it can be traced back to the days of waiting at the bus stop, trusty Sony Walkman blaring Ozzy or Metallica. Ask the kids three seats behind me and they could sing along.

Or is it due to the vocal chords of one 4 month old with allergy issues and a bum stomach?

Regardless of the actual physical reasoning behind it, I'll need to resolve this.

Speaking of din. I wish to envelop myself in a cloak of white noise, actually brown noise is more appealing.

I am frustrated with the lack of accuracy amongst my professional brethren. Not implying that I'm perfect, just that I am constantly fixing things over and over again that I've already pointed out. This would be slightly less annoying if my attempts at learning these folks about how to do something correctly wasn't received with a pissed off attitude. Sorry to put you off jackhole, but if you'd done it correctly the first or hell even the third time, you wouldn't have all these "changes", as you like to call them.

Ooops, it's lunch, I guess I didn't hear the alarm.

AWD for what?

Tell me why I have an AWD vehicle and just laid out $600 for new snow tires again? Winter has all but disappeared from our region. Schools cancel classes when it smells like winter, road crews spend countless hours spraying salt solution on highways, salting and cindering local roads and the NWS interrupts my daily dose of shitty terrestrial radio to warn me of impending winter storms.


But what do we actually witness? It ain't snow. No, nowadays winter storms consist of a 'wintry mix'. Maybe there are a few stray snow flakes mixed in there, but mostly it's a sloppy concoction of freezing rain, sleet and outright rain.


Once upon a time a snow storm meant at least 4", to me that's still a benchmark for a weather event to acheive the status of an actual winter storm. 1-3" can be fun, but it's gone all too quickly. With raving road crews aided by our new average temps residing in the 40's, the snow melts and leaves us with nothing but salt encrusted body panels, heaving and spalling sidewalks and dirty hardwood floors.

I want snow. I want snow that piles up and means shoveling to get out of the house and I want a snowstorm that sticks around for days. How about a 2 footer?

I want to be able to go out and play with the family, build a snowfort, make snow angels, wear my Sorels. I want to get behind the wheel of my very capable Subaru and haul ass up to a local ski resort to find REAL pow. Not the infamous 'packed powder' conditions that they all list on their reports (for the uninitiated, in PA, packed powder = yellow ice and stinging snow making guns blasting your face).

I read the news articles that mention that England was just literally paralyzed by a two-pronged storm that left the country covered with just 8 total inches of snow. I scratch my head in disbelief at this. 8" and a country falls apart? Thing is, with diminishing winter weather frequencies here, we are in danger of the same.

I recall the days back in Cambridge, going to school in 4" of snow...it took 6 to close them down. I keep an eye on the snow reports from Utah resorts, 3 foot storms can be normal. I remember my first western ski trip, we arrived during an early March blizzard that had already blanketed the canyons with 2-3 feet of snow. We awoke to the rumblings of our hotel windows from avalanche control Howitzers blasting shells into the bowls. We ended up getting a total of 7' during our stay. How do they manage to carry on with life as usual? We are weak, and I just want to drive in something worthwhile. It's fun.

Rant off/

Here's to winter!

Ta-ta for now

With all the pressure and frustration of keeping Diablito content, and the misery associated with said tasks, both Ma and Pa glanced over what was a truly funny moment.

Amongst all the Facebook nipple banning babble, and the latest headline on the liberal news network's website "Is public breastfeeding okay?" it reminded me...

Saturday was our inauguration. We managed to take the sprout with us to a local climbing gym, to see friends, introduce Junior and try our hands at climbing after a long hiatus.

As we soon realized,
-Our minds, bodies and muscles remember little about how to do it.
-The wailing of a 3 month old's echoes are amplified inside of a plywood amphitheater, almost successfully drowning out the remix of Daft Punk tracks

these combined to bring our climbing excursion from comical dismay to outright depressing.

Suki set off to a quiet corner in the upstairs loft of the gym. Seldom used and out of sight from the rest of the gym. With Junior splayed across her lap awaiting lunch, Suki revealed the source at the exact moment a fellow climber topped out. "Uh sorry about that".

So, what's your take on public breastfeeding?

I recall visiting the Vatican while studying in Rome. We were there for mass and had fantastic seats. Watching the Pope wave and recite prayers in Latin. Then the horrifying realization that a woman seated just behind us was bare breasted feeding her infant. It took a few moments for me to adjust, and come to the conclusion that it is natural. I mean if a Catholic doesn't need to feel guilty for doing something like this, with the Pope watching it can't be 'wrong'. Right?

INS

Don't call the border control quite yet, but have their number on speed dial.

Suki and I have our bags half packed and the car(s) fueled up and we're just about ready to cross the border...to insanity.

My first time as a new dad has been very new. Suki's second time as a mom has been new. The Professor is a handful or should that read earful for the last 12 weeks. Reflux, colic, green shits, drooling, and general fussy demeanor have left everyone and everything in the house on edge.

We've seen pediatricians, spoken to lactation consultants and read more than most on all of the above ailments and yet he still cries incessantly. I'm hanging my hopes for a piece of sanity on the premise that the first three months are the hardest. Suki, is losing hope rapidly and is worried about everything.

Her diet consists of nothing, and yet it doesn's seem to help with his food reactions. She is longing for a Conehead Sundae, I look forward to getting her one.

But if we are to switch from breastfeeding to formula, Prof HAS to eat from a bottle...easier said than done. It sucks (or in his case he doesn't).

We continue to try to comfort him and I support whatever we end up doing (BF or formula), I just want everyone to be healthy and sane...it may just mean my sanity remains as well.

We take turns losing our cool, unfortunately today, she's at the breaking point and I'm stuck at work. Thankfully her family is close and is coming up big for us. Perhaps we can take some time, decompress, talk about our options and regain our optimism once again.

Until then I'll be stopping at the store for earplugs and a visa.

Prick

The Professor received his first round of immunization shots last night. I warned the nurses that he is going to hate them. Suki couldn't bear to be in the room and I got to see the lil guy go bezerker for hours after.

Our pediatrician gave us some options for feeding...and gave us bottles of Formula. Something that both of us detest, but realize may be the solution to his belly woes and her lack of proper nutrition. I mean could you subsist on chicken and rice? (that's plain chicken and plain rice).

I couldn't, and I'm amazed and impressed that the Sukster has done it. She's wicked awesome.

I think she believes I'd be disappointed with her if we scrap the breastfeeding route and opt for formula. But that is not the case. I'm dedicated as is she, to going as natural as we can for the booger, but at what cost? Inconsolable crying, from him too? Lack of sleep, lack of food variety, sanity?

The testing of which foods are suspect, means that we are rolling the dice with his reaction and well-being and in turn ours.

What is more selfish? I don't know. All I know is that we want to do the best for him and it's proving to be a difficult task.

We've decided to shelf the formula and continue trying to figure out how to make it work...all the while we stare at the $60 bottles of scientific concoctions.

8th Graders

How do you teach them to be self regulating? How many tests do you let them fail before you intervene? How do you take away privaleges when they don't have much to take away?

How do you make them care? A couple of mid-terms have been graded and are not passing grades. Who gets D's in 8th grade? The kid is a spaz and ditzy, but she is very capable. I think she just doesn't care. So, maybe next year she'll pass 8th grade?

Between the youtube, myspace, google, text messages and make up she probably manages 30% effciency.

Today she was sitting in front of the tv, and we asked about her tests tomorrow and how well she thinks she will do on them...her answer..."I'll probably fail the one". So vegetate in front of the tube for another hour....that'll help.

She then wanted to check her grades online..."8 minutes" Suki told her, "then study". 20 minutes and three verbal reminders to get off the computer later, I went up to find her still at the machine (grades on screen) with youtube running. Her excuse was the machine took 20 minutes to load her grades. Perhaps it had something to do with running youtube videos?

She makes her way back downstairs grabs her books and asks where her cell phone is. I told her she doesn't need it for studying. She insisted that she couldn't study before she found it.

I guarantee she'll be taking three 15 minute breaks within the next hour.

It sucks...but either she hates us for clamping down, or she hates taking 8th grade classes again.

She can decide.

Fuck it.

I'm tired. My back hurts. My ears are bleeding. I'm thirsty, out of shape and tired...did I mention that yet? I can't recall, sleep dep has me wondering where the hell I am most of the time lately.

The house is never clean. Dishes and laundry provide good sources for cutting my mountaineering and alpinism teeth. I don't remember the last good poo I had.

Sex happens...on tv and as often as the new moon...by the way, the moon has some degree of resposibility for this entire situation.

Mountain biking, rock climbing, skiing, camping, MNF, and any other previous pursuits and endeavors are long lost.

Suki is right there with me...but apparently she has more of what it takes to deal and remain optimistic about a wailing 10 week old. I remind her that we shall soon be back on rock and on the trails, but honestly I know this could just be a pipe dream.

Q: What happens when you have an infant?
A: Nothin'

You try to keep up, which equals staying behind on everything. Minds, bodies and spirits are tested, tempers flare BUT...

It's worth it. To be right there, together, learning, supporting and loving.

I entered this relationship, carefully, ask a Suki, I tend to overthink. But I know with all of my heart that I want to be with a Suki and raise a family, together forever. Aside from an occasional shiv to the thigh and perhaps a bout with optical bleeding, each morning I wake to see her sleeping beside me or nursing the anti-christ...I'm reassured we made the right choice.

Fuck the dishes. Fuck the laundry. Spending time with the Mrs. (*sort of), the Professor and the Monkey equals perfect.

Now, about that climbing and biking....