I'm a newbie...

I have a 10 month old boy...I'm new at the whole parenthood game. I also have a newly turned 14 year old step-daughter. I've been baptized by fire for sure. Coming into the game late with her, establishing not only a relationship with her, but also authority and trying to help her gain freedoms, responsibility and life skills.

She and her mom have a great relationship. One that is under stress now that she is officially a teenager and therefore conflicts arise, teen-tudes prevail and we are unfair since her friends are allowed to do this or that.

The problems are not merely age defined though. A lot of her friends have older parents. The youngest kids of the lot. I would say they typically have more freedom than their older siblings ever did, but it goes beyond that. These parents have simply given up on being the authority. In fact, one friend told her mom that she wasn't going to clean her room unless she was allowed to have someone sleep over. Disrespectful, intolerable and certainly not plausible in our household. Neither of us would stand for that, and one of us would be asking friends and family for bail money if it ever came to that.

As for my inexperience and fresh approach to parental guidance, I still understand life skills, how they apply to ultimate independance, how they will form good grounding for time management, acceptance of responsibility and some day good parenting.

In this house, I'm the task Nazi, I'm the strict one, I hold her accountable for her actions, or when it comes to responsibilities like homework and chores, her inactions. The problem arises that her mom and I are not on the same page.

As a teen, her level of responsibility is attuned to her age. Homework and some chores (as spelled out in our recent emergency family meeting, dishes, clean your room and help out here and there).

Her after school curfew was set at this meeting to 3:45pm. She usually retires around 11pm. This allows 7 hours to complete any of these 'responsibilities'. Ample time by most standards.

Furthermore, her chores, specifically the dishes, NEED to be done by 8pm, the Professor's bedtime, less she wake him from his much desired rest and cause another plead for bail monies.

Herein lies the problem, procrastination, lack of attention from her end and lack of follow through by the parental units (us), has yielded untouched dishes as late as 10:30...this means they go unwashed for another day...which means additional dishes...which means longer time allotment necessary...which means less free time.

I'm not a kill joy. My goals for the kid are to be more efficient in completing tasks, increased focus and better grades for increased life opportunities. These are her mom's desires as well.

But last night, at 10:30 when she finished her homework, browsed myspace, watched youtube videos and texted 100 friends and she had yet to touch the kitchen or her room, she sat with us in the living room. I asked if all of her homework was done...yes. I asked if she had done the dishes, nope...mom intervened and said it will have to wait until tomorrow, it was too late. She had her out. Of course I pointed out that she could still clean her room. 10 minutes later I reiterated that she needed to work on her room. She left, huffed and puffed.

At this point her mother scolded me for pushing her out of, or chasing her away from family time. I fell like giving up. If we are to raise someone who is accountable for her decisions and actions, one who is capable of getting business done on time and efficiently so that 4-5 of those hours after school are 'free' then we need to be on the same page. We are not.

I'm not home at 3:45, I'm not home until 6 most nights. I want her to succeed not just letter grade wise but life skill wise. If every 10 minute task takes 40 minutes she'll never get anything done and never have the free time.

There was a trip planned two years ago to New Hampshire. I had a huge project deadline looming and a ton of work to complete if I was to be able to go. My sensei and new found climbing partner issued the following statement: "...the deadline does not choose you. You choose the deadline". I completed the task at hand, ahead of schedule and was able to drive with Suki to Rumney, New Hampshire for a 4th of July that changed our lives forever.

What trip could she miss? What opportunities will she never see, because she was unable to get something done?

I don't want that for her, I don't want that for the Professor. I don't want to be a kill joy, I want these kids to become self-sufficient and successful. Able to handle increased pressure and stress, more responsibility. It starts now, the foundation. Do your homework, help out around the house, do it well and efficiently so that the free time left over is worth that much more.

I worked my ass off to drive 9 hours and fall in love with the mother of my only son. I'm proud that I had the drive and focus to make it happen.

She's smart, capable and fun loving, but she's also a teenager, she needs guidance.