This sucks

Not in a good place at all. I was given a choice, I made the choice, I was made to regret that choice, I changed my decision, and now I regret that too.

There was no one pick that was going to yield good results. In the end I probably lost my best friend. I chose to be by my partner's side, but things aren't particularly good with our partnership.

She doesn't like me. Thinks I'm continuously ditching her and the kids. But in two years, I've seen the connection with all of our friends disappear. The arrival of a baby aside, I think she's not able to trust me with my friends, thinks that they are a bad influence or just plain doesn't like them. Not sure, but neither of us seem to have any outlets left. Climbing, riding, camping, skiing, travelling, knitting...all on the way side. The daily grind of both of our roles is ripping this thing to shreds.

In one recent piece of writing she mentions leaving, then talks to me about a wedding. One day she says if I go to my friend's wedding that I'll be ditching her and that she's not sure she'll be forgiving, then she tells me I should go. Then she hangs up on me when I mention it.

This is the person that I saw as the one person, the one I wanted to spend my life with, raise kids together, climb together, the only partner I've ever had that truly makes me laugh, the partner that used to push me further, harder, help me make myself better, and push herself.

She's lost that drive. I suppose months of a restricted diet and a needy dependent, and lack of sleep will do that. But from the beginning, I envisioned the future. One with certain struggles in the immediate, short term, but I thought I had a partner that also saw the hurdles we needed to leap to live 'the dream' and was willing to struggle together for the promise of easier days.

Both of us seem to think the other isn't doing enough. ME: Not helping out enough, not listening, not being nice, being self-centered....

HER: Not helping out enough, no energy, making decisions before thinking about potential consequences.

We aren't on the same page, or the same book.

Life's stresses have put us in a position of waiting for the other person to do something wrong.

If I read or hear anymore about her being 'able' to leave, I just might say go ahead, staying in a day to day relationship isn't something that is healthy.

I think I do quite a bit for the good of the family. I've taken on just about every responsibility besides getting up in the middle of the night to breastfeed and cooking. What else should I be doing? I work 45 hours a week, get home continue doing chores around the house and play and hang with the Professor, look at the clock and it's some time after 9pm. Lately the Prof won't go to sleep for Suki, so I've been sitting with him until he finally runs out of energy. I'm beat. Weekends are spent catching up on things that neither of us apparently have any time to complete.

If I ask for earning potential to be realized, I'm reminded that I'm not going to like it. Maybe so, but a year of double income can cut our debt significantly and get us closer to living how we both envision, alleviate money stress...

She suggests selling everything that isn't nailed down to reduce debt, clear the chi...We made lists of things we could get rid of. But I left something off the list. A train set that my absent, recently found father left me at age 3. The only connection to my other lineage. Something that I want to pass onto the Professor. But these are a major source of frustration. How could I place such sentimental value on a 'thing'? I don't fully expect her to understand, but it's something I'm not willing to part with, it's something I want to share with our son, a connection continued.

I'm not sure how she feels about me, us or the future, but since she still talks about getting married this year, I guess she still sees a little potential. But truly, until things get better, it's not the first thing on my list.

Her energy levels are all tapped out, mine are on the verge.

This sucks.

My best friends are both pissed off at me. It's a Catch-22 situation. Either decision I make I'm screwing someone over...I hope I made the right choice of a life together.

Yup, this sucks.